dear future littles

Dear future littles,

This is your future mother speaking. Some people may think this is completely crazy, but not me. I want you to know that it is my will in life to be a mom, and I feel so blessed to be yours. I think about you every day and dream of what you'll look like. I imagine you growing in my belly, laying on our bed and watching you kick, and the day you come into this world. I imagine you taking your first steps, eating your first yummy treat, and what your giggle will sound like.

Will you have my golden eyes? Will you have Bryan's mousey brown hair? Will you have long black eyelashes or short stubby blonde ones like me? Will I be able to breast feed you adequately? Will you be healthy? Will I love you no matter what? Will you love me no matter what? Will I be a good mom like I've thought I would be all this time? Will I break down and cry when I can't get you to stop crying? Will I spend all my time worrying  about the person you grow up to be and wanting to protect you? Will I make some of the same mistakes with you that other mother's have made? Will you be born in time to meet your great grandparents?

I can't wait to watch you play with your cousin Sophie, she will love you so much. I can't wait to spend maternity leave for you, it may not be as long as I'd like, but none the less it will be our time. I can't wait spend quiet nights with you rocking you to sleep and nights soothing your tears. I can't wait to watch you grow, and for the first time I can put your hair in a pony (if you're a girl) or a little stud muffin outfit (if you're a boy). I can't wait to see Bryan hold you and fall completely in love with you because he will. I can't wait to rejoice in every milestone - big or small - because you will be brilliant.

No matter what, I will love you unconditionally.

We both love you and can't wait to meet you someday down the road.
Until then I'm counting down a little impatiently.

Lovingly waiting,
Your mama

The power of prayer

I'm in need of your prayers, good thoughts, and any good juju you are able to send my way.

SO much is going on in my head right now, I feel like I'm being tested -

I'm trying desperately to get over this awful flu

I'm going to start my period this week (which is making everything 10x more emotional)

We're moving (which is great but I'm stressed because I won't be able to help much)

and we just found out that my sweet Papa(grandpa) may have had a stroke...

If there were ever a time that I would appreciate your prayers it would be now... I've never been very eloquent at praying and I'm not the best Christian that I could be, but I'm going to try...

Dear Heavenly Father, 

It's me, Amanda. I know we haven't spoken in a while, and I know it seems like I only turn to always turn to you when something is going wrong, but that's not the case. You are in my head and heart always. My family and I are having troubled times right now, please lay your healing hand over my Papa and comforting hands over my Granny, they are still so in love and I can't imagine one without the other.  I also pray for the doctor's working with him to have skillful hands and knowledgable brains. Please make this my number one priority prayer, and if there is time left over, please also see that our move this weekend goes smoothly and that my family is well taken care of - we are so lucky to have such a family that they are giving up a weekend to help us clean especially since I'm so under the weather. Thank you so much and you'll hear from me soon.

Amen

This is my sweet Papa so you can put a face to your prayers

Granny and Papa

I love you Papa, I know everything is going to be ok, have Granny give you some "healing smooches"

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, I have tears in my eyes as I write this.

I have faith.

Hey kiddo, it's me, Amanda!

Amanda,

Hey there kid, yep, I said it. That's what you are - a kid. Take it from an adult, you want to be a kid for as long as you can, being an adult isn't that great. There are bills to pay, people to please, responsibilities to uphold, it's tough work. It's not all about drinking, driving and living on your own so get that fantasy out of your head. I've decided to write you a letter which you can take to heart or not, which I wish that you would've. So please, sit back and listen... I mean it!

OK, first off, Stop trying to grow up too fast. You are only a kid for so long and I promise you, you will wish you would've savored every minute of it. Tell your parents you love them, every day, even if they piss you off to the point of no return. Your parents are some of the only people that will be there for you no matter what, forever, so try being a little bit nicer to them, eh? While we're on the subject of family, take time for your younger brother and sister. Take them to the park, read to them, play pretend even if you feel like a doofus, there will come a day when even they're too cool to do anything like that. Don't start dating too soon, you will have the rest of your life for romance and butterflies and rainbows - no need to rush, I promise you will grow up and meet the love of your life, oh and PS - it's VERY unlikely you think you've met him already, just a heads up. Take family trips and participate, don't sit off in the distance because you are 'over it'. Play games, make s'mores, and act silly, your family will not judge you and probably join in. Stop worrying about your weight and appearance, You. Are. Beautiful. There is no need to get all dolled up in sixth grade, those boys aren't gonna notice. Make memories, remember how certain things and people make you feel when you are happy and hold on for dear life to them. The world is so corrupt and you don't ever know who to trust, trust those memories. Act silly with your girlfriends, dance in the grocery store, paint your fingernails crazy colors and write notes back and forth - these may be friendships you are creating that will last your entire life.  Ask your grandparents to tell you their love story, and take notes, that's real love.  Believe in yourself, you've got a lot to offer and people will realize that when they meet you. Don't be self conscious, smile with your teeth, shake people's hands when you first meet them and make a lasting first impression. And last but not least, finish college, not for your parents, for you and your own future. You can do it, even if you don't know what 'it' is yet.

That's all I've got. Take it or leave it, but I would choose to take it. I know you may think you know everything, but trust me, you don't. Take it easy and enjoy it - life I mean. Don't want it to pass you by.